Saying Goodbye
by greatqueenc
Summary: After her death, Buffy is given the chance to say goodbye to the person she loved the most in life.


Disclaimer: Joss owns everything the big jerk  
Spoilers: Season 5 finale and Angel season 2 finale  
  
Death isn't as scary as people think it is. I mean, there is this whole "what's going to happen?" drama, but that split second before your soul slips from your useless body, you know. You just know. I knew I was dead before I even hit the ground. I saw my body pummel gracefully into the wreckage as I floated toward a sliver in the sky. Everything seemed different then. Before, my body knew just about every pain imaginable and now I can't even fathom such a thought.  
I saw my friends mourn for me from my haven in the sky. Hell, even Spike bawled like a lost child. At that moment I truly felt a love for him; a friendship. I should have felt horrible for leaving my loved ones behind in the dust of my death. But guilt would not bury itself into my chest, though it had no problem before. I wished then that I could just slip back into my cocoon and be there, assuring them I wasn't really gone. I knew that could never happen. Death has always been a finality. That's probably why people loathe it so much. Either that or fear it. I remember Spike once told me that all a slayer has to do is wish for extermination and she can be destroyed at that moment. I recall how my spine erupted into series of trembles upon his words. I feared death though sometimes I welcomed the escape. I guess I got what I wanted. But what about them? Willow, Xander, Giles, Tara, Spike? What about Dawn my "sister"? What will become of them? I know they will go on without me, though a selfish part of me wishes they couldn't. Dawn will grow old and beautiful and only I can watch from distance when I would rather be breathing their exhales and feeling the warmth of their souls that reminded me everyday that what I was doing was right. I watched them mourn around my broken existance and Giles ruefully gathered me so carefully into his arms. As if I wasn't dead, just in an abyss of sleep. I wished such a dream were true, were real.   
There is something unnerving about seeing your own funeral. The smudged faces and the tear drenched kleenexes cramed into broken pockets bordered the scene of my funeral. 'she saved the world. a lot.' I had to smile at their thoughtfulness. The sight of my friends shuddering from sobs overwhelmed me and I yearned to clear their hearts of my memory so the rush of saline would expire and the witty kind friends I was blessed to know would remain unchanged. Maybe they all would be better off without the burden of the knowledge they possess. After a few moments, I watched them disperse from the sordid sight, each delving into seperate trails of escape. Xander held Anyas' hand as he led her to his car. Willow linked arms with Giles while using her free arm to wrap around Dawn. Tara followed silently behind her lover; her face a canvas of regret and sorrow. Then there was Spike. He lingered a moment longer after the others disappeared into their new reality. He swayed from side to side, as if memorizing my tombstone, and then he sauntered slowly away. Spike seemed out of place there. He always seemed out of place. It's not every day that a vampire cares for a s-  
  
Angel.  
  
He doesn't know yet, about me. Or the lack there of. What if he doesn't care? Maybe he has moved on, something I so adamently pressed on him. God, I was so stupid when I was alive. I never received the chance to tell him how much I love him. When I discovered Willow was to announce the news of me to him, I decided to be there. There to tell him how I feel, regardless of the secrets of his heart.  
It's amazing how travel time gets cut in half when you are nothing but a whisper of your former self. I was in L.A. hours before Will so I wandered the hotel. I knew he wasn't there, I couldn't sense him. I just wanted to be where he spent his days forgetting me. Will arrived right on schedule so I chose to sit next to her and wait for my beloved. It's amazing how I am an inch from her and she is completely oblivious to my presence. I notice her wringing her hands so I carefully place mine over hers. Though they vanish into her the planes of her fingers, the wringing ceases and I can feel her grief for me. I smile sadly and that's when I look up to notice Angel and whoever he is with are approaching quickly. He opens the glass doors with such joy and relaxation that I realize how much he has changed since leaving me. Now, as I notice Will acknowledge him, I realize that I will just bring him grief, again. Perhaps he was better off not knowing me.  
"There's no place like-Willow," he blurted and noticed the strain tears have inflicted upon her eyes. Then he sees me. I quickly remove my hands from Willows' as I realize that he can actually SEE me. Will and I rise at the same time as confusion sparks in the eyes of Wesley and Cordy. There are two other people but I don't recognize them. I wish I did.   
"It's Buffy." Angels' eyes fill to the brim as he gazes at my transparent form before him. At that moment I reach out a illuminating hand towards his trembling figure and wait for his response.  
  
He hesitates for a moment, as if not wanting to comprehend such an unfathomable idea, then strides unsteadily toward me. Wills' face is a blanket of confusion as she watches my love embrace the air. Embrace me. I don't disappear into him as I did Will. I feel him all around me and this time he floods me with warmth. His tears slide down my alabaster skin as he grasps desperately at my back.  
"This isn't you. You can't be dead Buffy!" he sobs and I slowly pull away from him, despite his protests. Angels' friends look confused and frightened but Will looks on with an eerie sense of understanding. Perhaps she can sense I am here as well. I bury my eyes into Angels' as a test my voice to discover whether or not he can hear me.   
"Angel?" I question shakily and he cups my face with his hands. Those hands that throb with desire and commitment. Towards me.  
"Yes?" He can hear me. I realize then that soon I must leave. A voice within me states that I am only allowed a few moments to say goodbye, but only to the one I loved the most. That explains why he can hear and see me. I feel myself begin to deteriorate and watch as Angels' eyes desperately try to hold on to my image.   
"I love you Angel. I never did stop. You were the only person I allowed into the folds of my whole. Remember that. Promise me you will remember that I never ceased loving you. Even now, death binds me even closer to your heart. Remember what we had....what we could've had." I struggle to gain control of my quickly disentegrating self as he grips onto my fading shoulders.   
"God Buffy," he laments as he envelops what remains of my appariation into his embrace. "Words can never explain the love I never stopped owning for you. I will always remember, love." His tears are more desperate now as I cling to him with weakened arms.   
"I have to go, Angel," I whisper softly into the recesses of his ear.   
He feverishly clings to me and shakes his head defiantly. "No, no no no NO! Buffy you can't leave me! I need you! Don't go!"   
It was then I felt myself floating again, this time above a different group. My heart withered as I saw my love collapse to the floor in a fit of denial and saline. I called out to him as Will moved to comfort him.  
"Live Angel. Live, for me." 


End file.
